The Knee is on the Way!!!!

I'm extremely excited. I got the call today after leaving my final socket fitting. Otto Bock has confirmed that my knee is being shipped today and will be here in a few days. I feel like this is major victory for me and my family. I have successfully fought big insurance and won...we actually WE have. Thanks to the efforts of some of the people that follow me, Humana decided to let me be the test pilot for the computerized knee. This also means that Kate and I may have to meet with Humana and Otto Bock. It's a lot of pressure and honestly a battle I hadn't planned on fighting. It's one that I gladly pick up though, I have high hopes that if this goes well then they will alter their current protocol for microprocessor prosthetics. If they change this, this could create a huge opportunity for a large group of people that I've never met. First things first, I'm just hoping to walk. I took to the mechanical knee much better today. I was able to walk much better than I did the first time. They filled the bottom with algeanate, which is the same stuff used to make dental castings, and made an impression of my stump for a custom fit of the socket. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words to describe my excitement here. Which is odd for me, I'm usually so verbose. So hopefully in a few days, probably next Tuesday or Wednesday, I'll be posting on here that I am the proud new owner of a Genium knee and a Triton Harmony foot and be walking until my leg gives out...Kate is going to have a time keeping me off of it. It feels good to know that this battle is over and my war can finally  begin.

Come to the Dark Side...We have cookies

We all have a dark side. That voice inside you that brings all your fears and doubts to the fore front. The part of you that wants to cheat and steal to get what you want. Some call it hedonism, some call it narcissism, but no matter what your definition of it is, you have it. Everyone from priests to thieves, it's engrained in the human DNA. I have mine, that's for sure. For me, my dark side has been focusing in on my failures and fears of loss. Yes, I'm afraid. I'm scared of losing my job, my family, my fiance', I'm fearful of losing everything I have worked for prior to falling off that waterfall. Facing that fear has become a daily battle. Fighting off that dark side, he is very persistent "Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies..."

Now that  I'm finally realizing my goal it seems that I am able to not fight this battle everyday, while that is great and very helpful, it just means it comes back with a vengeance. Why not, it's had a few days to get affairs in order to really test my patience. My biggest fears have been losing Kate and losing my career as a medic. That's it. They are out in the open. Kate has done an amazing job of reassuring me that no matter the outcome of this journey, she will be there. If I was never to walk again, she would be there by my side, taking care of me through it all. She's an amazing woman. Next, being a medic. I have come to terms that my goal is lofty. I have decided that I am going to fight tooth and nail to reach it, going to go out with no regrets or 'what ifs,' and if I fail then at least I did all I could. I have a back up plan, I can always finish my nursing degree or even dabble in flight medicine. I think my prosthetic will be rated for flight...

Any way feeling like Eddie and the Cruisers...On the Dark Side...sorry bad movie songs are a weakness.

Spring

It's a beautiful day here today in the Bluegrass State. Warm, sunny, with just enough of a breeze to make it just comfortable enough to sit on the front porch and write. The promise of spring in the air. The promise of a new beginning. The thing about it is that promise is really only guaranteed to the products of spring, flowers, trees, grass, etc...those promises aren't made to us frail humans. We are only promised the minute we are living now. I learned that back in May. I had plans made, I was preparing to go back to work after a well deserved vacation. Those plans are were not to be. Not that this is a bad thing. Reevaluation is always good, it allows you to look at what you have and what you really need. The promise of a new day. A new you. The new me is now a man who is shy one leg, but who has the heart and drive to make it work for me, not be a hindrance to me. I have learned the value of friends, family, and determination. I love this time of year. I love that promise of a new day. I am hoping that this week Otto Bock gets my leg delivered and I can start walking toward my new future.

Walking Blues...

Today was a great and somewhat disheartening day. It's an odd mixture of emotion to feel. On one hand or foot rather, I was able to walk for the first time since January 26th. It felt great to take a few steps, yes it was on a mechanical knee not my microprocessor knee, I had on 2 different shoes, and it was an amazing feeling. Today, I walked probably 12-18 feet and for the first time since I fell I was not in pain. The rough part is that we have no real idea when I am going to get my leg. I get the feeling that my prosthetic company is getting as frustrated as I am. I feel like we are getting sent on a wild goose chase. They are being told that there is a prosthetic either on the way or somewhere in the US. Who knows really...I just want me knee. My socket will be ready this week and I really want a Genium attached to the other end of it. It's really getting me flustered. I just want a clear answer. Your knee will be here on this day and we will have you walking. I know Matt and Sienna will have me up and walking as soon as possible, even  if it is on another computerized knee. I just want to get this on, especially now that I have had a taste of being mobile again.

So, here we go. let's just hope Otto Bock gets me my knee so we can get this show on the road.

First Steps

Here it is. My first steps...It's far from graceful, I'm wearing mismatched shoes, and it's not the prosthetic I will be using, but I was able to walk and stand. The weirdest thing was I could almost feel my feet touching the ground. It gives me some hope towards the future and a glimpse of things to come. The knee I will be getting will keep me from buckling while I walk, and I'll be able to tackle steps and other obstacles. It was wonderful that Kate was there to see this, even better when my prosthesist had her wait for me at the end of the isle, just to prove I can make it down an isle...he's a comedian that one. OK..I'll write more later.

Gearing up to Walk

Huge day tomorrow. Tomorrow, if all goes well, I will get to take my first steps since my surgery. Mind you, it's literally just 2-3 steps to make sure the socket fits correctly and will be functional for me once my prosthetic gets here. Kate is going to take some video and if I can figure out how to upload it I'll put it on here for everyone to see. I'm probably more excited than I should be, but to me this is a small glimpse of things to come. I'm really hoping that my leg is here and tomorrow I get a glimpse of what the Genium can do.

I've seen endless videos online of the capability of this knee. I've seen people running, climbing over various objects, walking backwards (which is huge step in the prosthetic timeline, and very important for EMS), and many other steps that most bipedal people take for granted. I'm just ready to see what this knee can do and will mean to me. I stuck at the mercy of the postal system and a German company. From what I understand my leg will make quite the journey, Austria to Germany, Germany to Canada, Canada to Minnesota, Minnesota to hopefully Louisville. I wonder if they will stamp the box like a passport? Anyway, from my understanding there is a Genium knee floating around somewhere inside the US and my prosthetic company is doing everything it can to get my equipment to me. I feel like a kid on Christmas, one who has peeked at his presents and just has to wait to Christmas morning to play with the toy he's been wanting all year. So, this is where I am. I'm hoping tomorrow I post a video on here of my walking with my brand new knee. If not, I'll at least post about how it went, I'm sure it will be an emotional step. I am placing a lot on this one step. As Gandhi said "A step of one thousand miles begins with just one step," tomorrow I hope to take just one step...

Driven

What drives you? What makes you want to get out of the bed in the morning? Have you ever really thought about it? This time I've had off has forced me to really evaluate the things in my life that are my driving force. Prior to my fall I was as self-sufficient as one could get. Yes, I've always considered myself a family man, I've put my son first as much as I can. Yet, I was driven to excel in every venture. I didn't need your help getting their either. I was as Type A personality as one person could get. I'm loud, boisterous, I've even been described as cocky from time to time. Kate and I met in an ER as friends prior to my divorce. It's there that she first encountered this cocky redneck paramedic who knew it all and wasn't afraid to stand up to a room full of residents and attendings alike, just to prove he was right. I'd like to hope that man will return, but honestly I'm not sure I can get back to that frame of mind. Medically minded, I'm sure I will. I've never been a shrinking daisy when I know I'm right. I've always taught my preceptees that you don't ask for an order, you tell the doc on the other end of the radio what you are going to do and wait for him to agree. I have no qualms standing up for myself, but I now know what it's like to be on the other end of that stretcher. I think now I will have more compassion towards my patients. That being said, Kate has told me about some of her patients who have simply infuriated me. I live vicariously through her recounting her day at work, and the occasional text to ask my opinion about a current situation on a run.

After being here, here being stuck in a medical condition in which you have to claw your way out, I know understand the importance of drive. To hear her recount the innumerable patients who have lost that drive. Some of them for lack of a move in a positive direction, and when they get one, they are so unused to the feeling they take two steps backward for fear of failing, the others because they have learned that when they utter those magical words "I can't" someone will swoop in and do it for them. I simply don't understand giving up like that.

I know what drives me, it's not my job anymore. Once, that would have been my answer. Now my answer is my family. Kate, my boys, and the rest of my family. They are my drive. They are my reason for trying every day. Yes, I'm still determined to get back to work. I still want to return to my big grey box...our ambulances are grey. I still want the rush of bent metal and patients freshly ventilated with an unknown caliber of bullet. Mostly, those medical mysteries where you are behind and fighting to get ahead. To feel the cold steel of a laryngoscope blade the symphony of a cardiac arrest in which I am the composer. Guiding each and every person on their task, hitting every note, hoping to beat back death. I really miss it....but...mostly I miss the quiet click of a camera while Kate and I are out on some back road taking pictures. The musical laughter of our boys when they get tickled at something at the zoo. The wonderful smell of Thanksgiving dinner and the warmth of family and friends. This is now my drive. These are my drives. I am driven by both. Welcome back...My knee is on the way and soon my fight begins.