Update 2/6/12

Short post today. More of an update than my normal waxing philosophical. PT came today, I'm doing quite well and he's very pleased with my progress. It hurts more than I expected when I started, still can't lie on my stomach without excruciating pain shooting through my leg. My soon to be step son really enjoys the exercise where he gets to throw a ball to me on various sides. We did this last night during the Super Bowl and he really enjoyed himself. I'm glad that I'll be able to get my boys involved in my rehab. It lets them have fun with me and lets me work on  healing. After the pain I felt today I know I have a very long and painful road ahead of me. That's all for tonight. Going to spend some much needed time with Kate after she gets off work. I'll be back tomorrow. Goodnight all.

Learning to Fail...

Who knows you? I mean really knows you? Who do you tell your intimate secrets too? I know my answer to this question. It's great to have that one person in your life who has seen you at your best and worst and loves you equally for both of these people. That person who has seen you without your mask on. We all wear masks, we walk out the door and cover up our true identities and feelings to spare those of the strangers around us. Don't believe me...next time you go to the store and the clerk asks how you are, tell the truth and see how quickly things get uncomfortable. Some days my mask gets to heavy to wear, it's these days that Kate helps me recharge and quickly reminds me that 1.) You're human, you're allowed to be upset, depressed, and most of all you're allowed to be happy. 2.) She reminds me that I'm not who people want me to be. I am who I am and if people don't like it, then they can get over it or get out. I've learned that due to the issues I'm having with self-image post surgery, it's very important for me to realize that I don't have to be "The Prosthetic Medic" yet, all I have to do is get better. Take my time and heal, both mentally and physically. It's easy for me to want to get ahead of myself and push myself harder than I need to, just to try to make you, the collective public and friends, proud of me. I've always pushed myself to be the best. I wanted to be an EMT, so I was top of the class, I wanted to be a Paramedic, so same story. My main goal was to be that medic that when I arrived on scene my coworkers could breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I was going to take control and it would be done right. Now that I'm fighting to make it back, I have the same drive. Now that I'm an amputee, I want to be the best one-legged medic ever. I want to people to be able to say that "You'd never know he was an amputee if he didn't own it." So, luckily I have my girl to bring me down to earth and keep me focused and not crushed when I don't make it to a benchmark I've set for myself.

Oh and for those following at home, Bryson was here this weekend. He asked to see and touch my leg, then he was fine and just went off to play. His biggest concern now is that I get my "robot leg" so we can go to the zoo and play. That's all for tonight. Till next time. Same amp time same amp channel.

Post op...iHop shirt...Thanks Mary

Kids say the darndest things....

Attempted going out on my own today. Just got out and drove and went into a store or two. Not to shop, just trying to learn how to move around on the crutches and dealing with the gawking from strangers. One of the more amusing things today was a little girl, probably 7 or 8 years old, saw me hopping on my crutches and exclaimed loudly "What happened to you!!!" Her mother was mortified of course. I found it cute, I just told her I was in a bad accident and her mother rushed her away. This is what amazes me about children. They say what they see and if they have a question they are going to ask. This is a fresh change from the strange glances and whispered words from adults. Why is it that we are afraid to ask questions, but we are quick to pass judgement silently. The innocence of children is amazing and Bill Cosby is correct, they do say the darndest things. I'm sure my absentee limb was the topic of conversation inside the car on the way home.

This is a welcome change from my second experience with an outspoken person today. I was using one of those motorized carts at a store and yes, it was slow, but move around me. Instead this lady decided to walk behind me talking about how this grown man was using this cart when someone else could, then realizing I was missing a limb, chose to describe me as a cripple who should get out of her way. Of course there were some other choice words peppered in, so I decided to stand up for myself, actually this just included standing up and her realizing that she is 5 foot nothing and I'm 6 feet tall with one foot off. She cowered and ran away. I just don't understand people. I didn't have to say anything, and hopefully she will choose better battles in the future.

No news on the prosthetic front or work front yet. Still waiting these answers. This is the hardest part...I'm not a very patient person, so I really hate waiting. I have another week before the staples come out. I've started my PT and it's going very well. I'm getting stronger and can't wait till I'm learning to use that prosthetic and I am going to become the Prosthetic Medic. It's going to happen. I am going to make this work. Till tomorrow...

10,000 Views!!!

Wow...big day. 10,000 views. I'm amazed and feel quite blessed to be sitting here. When I started writing this I never dreamed that anyone would want to read what I have to write. This is my therapy. It's just a much cheaper way to get things off my chest than paying a therapist to let me lie on their couch and say the same things. Now down to business.

Today is a great day. I got my son, and much to my surprise, he isn't scared at all. From the scared little boy on the other side of my phone, to the little boy who ran up and hugged me today there is a 180 degree turn. He asked to see the staples and touch my leg. He's excited for me to get my new robot leg. I am relieved to say the least. I expected crying and a sheepish little boy who wouldn't want anything to do with me. I'm glad that's not the boy we picked up today. The insights of children are amazing, I asked him if he was scared, he told me that he was afraid while driving up to meet me, but when he saw me I'm just the same daddy. A very relieved daddy. I'm looking forward to this fight. I feel like the contender to a championship belt that I know I can win. I know that this fight is going to be more of a war than a battle. I'm lucky to have many people in my corner and know that I can do this. I won't say that I'm not scared. To say that would be foolish. I know that I'm going to fall. I know that some days I'm going to fail. The issue with failing is what you do with it. You either take the failure and run away or you take the failure, learn from it, and come at things from a different angle. This is one of the greatest things practicing medicine has taught me. Not every method works for every patient. Some times you have to get innovative, and when in doubt...duct tape.

Also, I have to say this. Please remember the caretakers. Those that give up so much to take care of someone else. I am blessed to have Kate in my corner. She works so hard to right this entire ship while I'm under the deck trying to get better. Those of us in medicine are much better at being the caregiver than the patient, and Kate and the rest of my family is stuck with dealing with a paramedic who is fighting tooth and nail to get back on the street. Which means, not listening to what I'm supposed to be doing and pushing myself harder than I should. She's a great woman and I have a wonderful family to put up with this. Anyway, till tomorrow...

Falling Down

Today has been rough to say the least. I experienced my first of many falls today. The fall, although painful, wasn't as bad as what it concreted in my head. That impact slammed into my head the finality of my situation. Without the aid of a device I am no longer able to just get up and get out like I want to. I find myself trying to balance and juggle things while maintaining using the walker. The physical therapist wants me up on crutches as soon as possible, and while this represents a huge step in locomotion, it does nothing to help me gain that full independence I want so badly. I wish I could take the burden of care from those around me and have that freedom I want so badly. I have spent the last almost 9 months having to get around on some appliance and have people get things for me. I just want to be able to walk again. I know I have lofty aspirations, but those first steps unassisted will be like a weight lifted off of my back, liberating if you will. I dream of that day. The day I no longer have to ask Kate to be my fiance' and my caretaker. While I'm sure there will be set backs, and she and I will revert to these roles we know so well, I yearn for those days. I wish while we are in between visits I had a way to just take off for a couple of days. Just get out of town and away from the everyday fact of my current existence. I know this is impossible at the moment. A pipedream if you will. I know that in the coming months this pipedream I will be able to make a reality. We have a goal of within the next five years we want to go to Ireland. We'll see if we can make it happen. I've wrote about it before, but the stress placed on caretakers can sometimes be worse than the stress placed on the patient. They have to balance everything while the other focuses on healing. I am blessed to have such a loving, caring woman to take on these roles. She has done nothing short of amaze me.

The concrete evidence of this new life I am going to be dealing with, the wind knocked out of me lying on my back in my living room floor. I had to take a moment, to just look up at the ceiling and ask what have I done. Once the initial emotion passed, I am still resolute that I have done the right thing. My physicians all agree that I have done the right thing, and the ultimate outcome would have been the same no matter the path taken to get here. Although, one cannot help but ask why and wonder what if. Those are two questions I don't go one day without asking. I think anyone with a permanent life change has to ask these things. In those few moments lying there I realized that this life change is not my own, it's Kate's, it's my family's, my friend's. It belongs to all of us, because I rely on all of them in order to make this work. So tonight I end with a few words that are more powerful than most. Thank you and I love you.

Gonna be a good day!!!!

Good day. I was able to get out for awhile with my mom, to the DMV, but it was out. Tried my luck in one of the lovely motorized buggys, I can see myself getting into trouble with this. Got good news from my new physical therapist, he is very impressed with my physical shape and recovery already. Only have to see him once a week and I get to make the transition from the walker to crutches. Watch out the Prosthetic Medic is about to get a little more mobile!!! There is still a huge learning curve to overcome here. I'm still very apprehensive and terrified of falling. I know I'm going to fall, that's a given. I was even instructed to "learn to fall," this could get ugly quick, at least this training doesn't begin until I get the staples out.

For the first time in a very long time, I am cautiously optimistic. I finally feel like things are moving in forward direction instead of spinning my wheels. I have learned throughout this ordeal that the biggest opponent to healing and mental health is stagnation. Stagnation in any operation is difficult to overcome, like I said yesterday you have to adapt. Adaptation is difficult and nearly impossible when you aren't moving forward or backward. I am so blessed to have made it through these months of no momentum to jump right into making huge strides forward. I am aware that I have to be honest with myself and know that I am going to suffer set backs, and as much as I prepare for it, it will still hurt and be hard to deal with. I'm not focusing on that now, now I am cautiously looking positively at the future. I am going to get through this and because I have went through this life changing ordeal it will take me and my family to places we never dreamed of...well a man can dream. I just hope it takes me back to playing outside with my boys and the back of the ambulance. Till tomorrow...