You say you want a revolution!

http://on.ted.com/Summit

After watching this video I'm working on a design of my own to make this leg not only functional to me and my life but a piece of art. That way when people are staring at my leg they can admire the art instead of the disability. I agree that the form should match the form of my sound leg in order to give me that sense of completeness that is missing. It's a sensation that I am not verbose enough to describe. I have only had this new appendage for a few weeks, yet already I hate dinning this alien object and trying to pass it off ad a part of me. Let's face it, despite the amazing technology and years of development that have went into designing this marvel of modern bionics, it is exactly the same as any other persons that has one. I want to stand out. I'm placed in a situation where I am going to be different for life so why not accentuate that. I don't have a degree in design or biomechanics but I am going to find a way to make this work and effectively design tattoos for my prosthetic that mimic the shape of my sound leg. I want it to look like a normal leg with pants on, but a cyborg modern art masterpiece when I have shorts on. I want people not to stare in shock but in admiration. Taking a difference that I have to live with and giving it my personality. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish this, but that's never stopped me before. It starts with a design. Here we go. I'm going to make this my own...it might take years to figure out but I will find a way...but if any of my readers have any ideas on how to accomplish this please let me know. I am very interested in changing function into art. Who knows maybe I can help start a revolution. I've been inspired to change the world and Gandhi wants us to be the change we wish to see in the world. Help me change the world!!!

3 steps

So tonight Logan asked me "Where do you work?" of course I answered him that currently I don't work, but before I fell I was a paramedic at Louisville Metro EMS, "Do you still work there?" Well, yes and no, I'm still employed there but I can't go back to work till I'm able to use my leg the right way. "When are they going to fire you?" I don't know buddy....That was the lie...I do know. Well, I have an idea of when, from HR I am going to be terminated in May, I'm being forced to fill out the "American's with Disabilities Act paperwork" which will either result in them saying they can't find a spot for me within Metro Government or getting transferred out of EMS to another department within the Government system at a much lower pay grade. I'm going to get this paperwork turned in as soon as my physician has it filled out and roll the dice I suppose. Part of me wants to just walk away from the whole ordeal, but Momma didn't raise a quitter. I'll see where this goes, just because they offer a new position doesn't mean that I'm going to take it. I want to stay with the agency I have spent the last 6 years with. I don't think that's too much to ask. If/When they do "release me," isn't that a nice way of saying you're fired, I will move on. Kate and I are already planning on a way for me to lose some weight to get down to flight weight. Even if I never fly I need to lose the weight anyway. The less I way they easier it will be on my body and my organic leg.

On a positive note...I got my socket fixed. It fits comfortably once I get it on and get settled down into it. I'll have to put the gel cap back on starting tomorrow since I started to bottom out today at the end of the day. Now for the exciting part. Today I took 3 steps without any assistance...not a cane or crutch to help me, just me. It was ugly, awkward, and terrifying...but if a journey of 1,000 miles starts with one step I got the first 3 steps out of the way. I have to learn to trust my prosthetic and learn when to fire my leg muscles to support myself better and allow for a smoother gait. That's the hard part, on crutches, my gait is smoother, but I'm not allowing myself to put all my weight on my stump. Tomorrow I hope to take 4 steps or if I only take 2 they will be better than they were before. PT comes tomorrow and I get to work some more on learning to live life as a uniped.

Fat Guy in a Little Socket

Got the new socket today. My leg has shrank enough that my new socket can nearly fit into my old socket, it's amazing that my leg has gotten down that small and it's expected to get smaller than that. Now that I can start walking a little better, it's amazing the difference in the feeling of a properly fitted socket to a socket that is too big. One of my friends has likened it to the equestrian world and ill fitting tack on a horse. If it doesn't fit right then everything is wrong. I have one area that is pinching and is painful that they will fix tomorrow. The next step is to start losing some weight and getting into fighting shape again. I'm ready to start exercising, strengthening the leg and getting ready for the next step. I'm trying to come to terms with my impending termination from my current employer and get ready for where I'm going next. I'm thinking about attempting to become a flight medic. I have the experience and skill, now just have to get down to flight weight and get to the point where proving myself is second nature.

I want to become an advocate for the unipedal peoples. I want to prove that being an amputee means nothing. That just because I have one leg has no bearing on my skill as a medic or a person for that matter. I have taken to wearing my prosthetic with shorts on and instead of being frustrated at the stares of strangers just keep my head held high and owning my new look. I'm thinking with the fit of the prosthetic, current issue notwithstanding, I will be walking without crutches or a cane in the next few weeks. Now I have to learn to trust my equipment. As a medic we learn this from the beginning. I trust my equipment because I'm the one who checked it out, I know it inside and out, I know every in and out of my equipment and have learned to adapt to any hiccup that may come. Now I have to apply this philosophy to my new prosthesis. If it didn't think that Matt and Sienna (my prosthesist) would kill me, I'd have this leg taken apart and learning the guts of it so I can know how it works and therefore how to adapt if something messes up. Don't worry guys, if you are reading this I promise not to take apart the leg...yet...OK I won't. I have come to the conclusion that leaving my current employer, although terrifying and not what I want to happen, I will move on. Kate is behind me on this one, she's not too excited about be being an airborne prosthetic medic, but she knows that even before I fell I have always wanted to be a flight medic and have always planned on moving on to this in my career. I just wonder if they will let me wear a flight suit with the leg rolled up...I wouldn't mind showing off the leg.

Why I Ask Why

I can't wait to get my new socket. There is no way to describe the frustrations of an ill fitting socket to someone who has no frame of reference for the sensation. It should be ready tomorrow and I'll be able to get up and start back to working on healing and getting ready to get back to where ever I belong.

Now, on to why I'm posting tonight even though I planned on taking a break this weekend. I have tried to maintain a balance between my personal beliefs on a religious front and this blog. Recently, I was told that my notion that God chose me to endure this path in life is "silly." I'm not attacking the person who made the comment, in fact I commend them. I just felt that I would explain my position. To me there are certain points in life where your god given free will goes out the window and his plan for you will be enforced. Yes, I could have chosen to not go hiking. I believe that no matter what I had done that day the result would have been the same. This lifestyle was where I was headed. Wether it's from a dramatic fall or some other freak accident I was going to endure this trial. That being said, it's a natural reaction when faced with duress to want to know "why is this happening to me?" Now, some people choose to ask this question then wallow in self pity until the heavens open and an answer is revealed. I chose to accept it and own my new life. I still get frustrated and sometimes still want to know why, but I choose to move forward and try to get on with life. There is a quote in the movie "Van Wilder" that I have really latched onto " Don't take life so seriously, you'll never get out alive."

So I may question things but even though I question I attempt to change my destiny at the same time. I know that I will continue to ask why and sometimes I may even get an answe. As for my amputation I like the answer that came from my mom, this happened to prepare me for something amazing in the future. And to me if this blog reaches one person and inspires them to move past what normal society says is impossible then I feel like this has paid off more than I can describe. I'm blessed because I have a supportive family both here with me and those of you who write to me about how I've inspired you. This only makes me want to succeed more than ever. So my silly question is very serious to me. I ask why because my free will allows me too. And remember if you ever want to make God laugh just tell him what your plans are...chances are he has something better in mind.

Fighting a Losing Battle

More stress today. Honestly. I would love a day where I can just go through it without bordering on the edge of a mental breakdown. It's days like today that make me start to question God as to why He chose me to go down this path. I suppose he sees something inside of me that I don't because as of how I feel right now I just want to lock myself inside my home and wait for the walls to fall down. I can't really go into all the details here, simply because I don't want all my personal issues on the internet. Just suffice to say I need a break. One thing I am willing to go into details about is my current employer advising me that if I don't turn in my American's With Disabilities Act paperwork by next week I will be terminated. Past practice says that I have one year either from the date of injury or the last day worked to return to duty. I have our union researching the rules on this for me, but this is stress that I don't need right now. I have to try to force my body to be ready to get back on an ambulance by May of this year, if they don't fire me before then. I know that I am ahead of where I am expected to be, but to expect me to have a mastery of this prosthetic as well as my leg to be ready to work a 16 hour shift in two months is a feat worthy of a superhero....of which I am not. I fear that I am losing this battle and now must realize that I have set a goal that was too lofty. I'm not saying that I will never return to an ambulance, I am just realizing that I may not return to "my" ambulance. I have called this service my home for 6 years. I have given blood, sweat, and tears to this service. I know a year is a long time, but considering the lofty aspirations I have, I don't think a year is all that long. Let's look back, in a years time I have nearly died, spent a month in a hospital, 2 months with an external fixator, fought to save a leg that was destroyed, had said leg amputated, fought to get the prosthetic I need to return to work, now I'm working on getting proficient enough on the prosthetic as well as toughen my leg up enough to walk. Considering right now I can only bear about 50% of my body weight on the stump and I'm being forced to not only bear all my weight but be able to use it well enough to go the varied places a paramedic has to go is a nearly impossible task. I will continue to work hard everyday. I will keep this leg on as long as I can without doing enough damage that it sets me back. I have to find a way through this, I have been told that "oh if we have to fire you then just reapply, we'll take you back in a heartbeat," I'm just not sure I can do that. I'm not sure I can bring myself to return to a service that wouldn't recognize the effort I am placing forth to get back to them, just to have them fire me. I am paying my insurance out of pocket. I know that if I turn in this ADA paperwork then they will find another place within Metro Government for me to work. This means they can shove me behind a desk at a very reduced pay rate. Honestly, I know that this system is in place for a reason and that it is a wonderful system for those who need it. I guess I'm just bull headed and want my chance to be on an ambulance. I have made it clear that when I am ready to come back if I cannot do it I will walk away with my head held high because I have done my best. This paperwork is not my best. It's equivalent to giving up in my mind. I suppose though, I have to turn in their paperwork. When they offer to move me I can politely decline and look for another service that will give a prosthetic medic a chance. Just praying that this works out in the best interest of my family. Oh, and an update from yesterday the new socket wasn't finished cooking today, hopefully it will be tomorrow. Tomorrow has to be a better day than today...the fight continues. I may feel like I've lost a battle today but the war carries on.

Socket #2

Socket #2 is being made as we speak. My stump has shrank to a point where the one I have is basically useless. This morning when I woke up I put the prosthetic on and after a few steps I was already bottoming out on the socket and then it started slipping off of my leg. This is a very annoying feeling. I can't wait till these changes are finished. This is just a part of the process and I know that, but going back to my impatience it makes it a little more difficult. I've decided that this time I'm going to make the skull and cross crutches orange so the design stands out more than it did before. My officer friend told me that he went through around 8 sockets in the first year before things started to slow down and he got to a point where things became more comfortable. He said he still hates putting on the prosthetic in the morning, but after that it's just an extension of himself. He told me to get used to falling. A major part of learning to succeed in being an amputee is to lean to fail and learn to fall. I've started practicing falling down, his major advice is that once you take the fear away then you are no longer are scared to do anything. If you fall, so what...you know what to do. It's just like the training I received to become a paramedic, repetition makes things second nature. Just like starting an IV or intubating a patient, the more you do it, the easier it gets. So, I plan on learning to fall down, get up, and start over again. Tomorrow my new socket should be ready and with that I get to continue on my progress towards getting back. I can't wait till I no longer have to use crutches or canes to get around. I told Bryson today that when I am able to walk without assistance I'm going to take him and Logan to the aquarium. They have changed the plan on me, now instead of the zoo they want to go to Newport or Gatlinburg to the aquarium then I'll be back to being myself. I'll post pictures of the new socket when it's finished so you guys can see whats going on. Also, there may be an article in the Courier Journal in the coming future. I was contacted by a reporter and may be doing an interview. I'll let you know when and if this occurs.

Here's a look at me on the Otto Bock Genium with the Otto Bock Triton Harmony Foot