Adapt or Die

Day 2 at home has been rough. I'm outside the clinical comfort of doctors and nurses, no call buttons, and only the help of my family. Luckily my family includes an EMT and an RN. The difficulties of the day have been finding my limits. How long can I walk, well hope with the assistance of a walker? How long can I stand? Where the heck is my new center of gravity!?!? Some of these questions have had answers, I can go about 30 yards, before I feel like I need to sit down. I can only stand for a minute or two before my center of balance moves to some unknown plane of existence that I am unable to locate. Otherwise, I was able to survive a car ride for about an hour and half. This means that this Friday, I can hopefully go pick up my son. I hope. This will be his first experience seeing his father with out his leg. I have a feeling this may get rough. In his eyes, I am super man. I am that unmovable rock of Dad. Some of us are lucky enough to have this vision of our fathers, or someone in our lives we saw as bigger than life. Sadly, I think this may rob my son of that vision. I know that many of you see what I am trying to do as inspiring and I am very thankful for that. It is great motivation to know that you are motivating a number of people with every milestone I make. Yet, to a 7 year old boy to see your father hopping around on a walker and missing a leg is a spirit breaker. So, in the case that this blog makes it through posterity and Bryson finds himself reading this I hope he can better appreciate what I am attempting to accomplish. My goal is to instill in my son that "Can't never could do nothing" attitude I have been lucky enough to have instilled in me. Life is hard, you have to be harder and open to adaptation. Isn't that really the story of evolution "Adapt or Die." This applies in any situation. If you are in the back of an ambulance and are unable to adapt to any situation then the death might not be your own.

I am learning to adapt now. I have found out how to shower on one leg...which is a good thing for Kate. Like I said, I am learning my new limitations. My favorite thing about limitations is that they are always breakable. I know that I can get through this and prove to my son that in life limitations are nothing more than that double dog dare you attempted as a kid. If you didn't break it the first time then adapt and try again. There is no reason to let people put limits on you, adapt or die son, adapt or die. With that. This day of adaptation and limitations has led to a very tired unipedal man. I am going to end with if you are able to donate please do, we could use your help. Thank you all for what you have done and continue to do. Until tomorrow remember history has a lofty list of animals that refused to adapt...the reason they are in history is because they couldn't handle the present. Adapt or Die.

Homeward Bound!!!

Finally the first steps of my journey to getting my life back to normal has begun. It started on January 26th with the first incision of a scalpel and now has finally moved to my home. The plan now is physical therapy at home 3 times a week and learning to get around without my leg. It'll be at least a month before I can get the prosthetic. I am currently wearing the lovely device known as a "stump shrinker" it's actually much more comfortable than it sounds. It's only painful when it is put on, after that it actually feels quite nice, the gentle compression helps with the phantom pains.

A word about phantom pains, they are the most horrible experience I have ever had and now I have much more respect for my patients that have dealt with them. The first night in the hospital was horrible, my foot was burning, well, my theoretical foot was burning. Kate, having the same sense of humor as most in the healthcare field states that "Well honey, it is burning. It's in the incinerator downstairs." I love that woman. Tonight I am finally home and can begin to try to get back to some normalcy. The phantom pains are still present, but they have decided to show themselves as itching. My foot will itch for 5 or 10 minutes, and it is the most annoying feeling I have ever dealt with. I am very happy to be finally taking a step out of the limbo I was trapped in. My brother stated that while I was in the hospital he was finally able to see that glint of hope in my eyes again. I finally got out of that purgatory, I can not express well enough with the words I have available to me to describe the feeling of being stuck. The feeling of not moving forward or backward, just stuck in the place where you are. So, I know I have said it a few times before, I am finally able to make a step toward my future. I am finally stepping out into the world again, I am going to deal with people staring and making fun of me, because face it, some people can be evil...but I'm ready for this. I have already shocked the doctors and nurses taking care of me by progressing so quickly from amputation to home, I think I'm going to shock a lot more people by becoming the 54th paramedic in the United States to return to work on an ambulance as Louisville's own Prosthetic Medic. Look out....I'm Back!!!!

Doubts

Ok second post for the night. I just did something I have been avoiding. I looked in the mirror. You know the look I'm talking about, the look where you not only see your reflection, but you see all the imperfections you think everyone else is focusing in on. As I stood there looking at the place where my left knee should have been, I kept thinking that I look like a sideshow. I feel like a freak of nature. I wasn't ready for that. I'm sure that this feeling will pass. That this is a normal reaction when transitioning from  bipedal to "unipedal," but that doesn't make the feeling any less true. I wasn't really ready for that. Looking at the stump alone, seeing pictures, none of these are as piercing as a mirror and an empty room. I am crushed. Emotionally drained and physically tired. Luckily, I have my family and my beautiful fiance'. Tonight, Kate has had the difficult job of trying to refill my broken self-esteem. She's amazing like that. Yet, with all her kind words and assurances that I am the same person. Something is missing, other than my leg, (for those with the same dark sense of humor as I), something inside of me feels gone. Tonight, for the first time I have started to question my lofty aspirations. Is this possible? Am I really strong enough to do this? I'm not sure I am...I know I'm going to give it one Hell of a fight. I'm accustomed to these doubts creeping in. I've fought these for awhile now. Doubt, is a powerful enemy to self-esteem and motivation. If I give in to my doubts, then I just sit back and quit. No need to try, because there is no way it'll work. That way I don't have to face disappointment. Trust me, I've known these feelings for awhile. I'm not giving in to them, but it's difficult to keep them from creeping into my head, especially on nights alone in a hospital room. Oh well. I will fight these demons when I wake up. For now, I will try to keep these thoughts out of my head and rest. Tomorrow the fight starts again. I was reminded from a friend that I forgot some definitions, she reminded me that I am a friend. So I'll end with this tonight...I'm Joe Riffe, I am an above knee amputee, a paramedic, a fiance, a father, a friend, a self-professed redneck, a brother, a fighter, unsure about what tomorrow brings, but willing to face it head on. Goodnight everyone

Check Please...

Hopefully going home tomorrow. I really hope so, when not needed hospitals can quickly become prisons. I very appreciative of everyone and all they have done for me while I've been in here and now I'm ready to move this show to my house and start my new life. The plan now is to start fitting me with compression stockings, shaping my stump for the prosthetic when it gets here. Gotta love the fight with insurance companies. Otherwise my recovery has been quick and I'm extremely happy about that. For the first time in months I have something to hope for. I can finally start making forward progress towards my goal and I feel like I have some control over this whole situation. I'm excited to get moving on, and still quite apprehensive about the entire thing, It's still odd to look down and not have a leg. Walking, using the walker of course, is quite odd. I'm still trying to find my center of balance and how to manipulate my body to compensate for my lack of a leg. Pain is still up, but controllable. So here we go. Things are on the way now. I finally have some forward momentum and plan to keep this up. Now, aside from getting the prosthetic, things are up to  me. I have to have the drive to push myself to this goal. I still have this fire inside me telling me that this is not only possible, but I will accomplish this and so much more because I went  through with this. Agreeing to have my leg cut off is the hardest thing I have ever done. Lying there in preop was terrifying, but I knew that I have a great support system both on here and in my life to see me through. I hope I can help others facing this situation one day the way others in the AKA community have helped me through this. It's greatly appreciated and will never be forgotten. Let the journey begin...

Definitions

Today I got my first glimpse of my stump. This was a defining moment for me. This was the moment I will remember from this hospitalization, the first view of what's left of my leg. It was at this moment that I realized I have a new definition in life. We have many definitions that we go by; father, finace, son, paramedic, and now amputee. The question now becomes what do I do with this definition. Do I let it become who I am, take this definition and let it be the thing that defines me totally, or do I integrate it into the growing list of who I am. The titles that have made me the man I have become. I choose the second. We all know those people who isolate themselves to a single definition. They are identified by one defining moment in their lives. I think this is a sad way to live your life. I refuse to let this be my defining moment. Yes, this will be a huge part of who I am, how could it not be. Yet, if I focus in on the fact that I'm an amputee and ignore the many other titles I have then I have done a disservice to all the things I have been through in my life. I am going to proudly wear this new badge. I will stand on one leg and say that I am an amputee, but I am also a father to Bryson, a  fiance' to Kate, a son to Cathy, a brother to Bryan, a Paramedic in Louisville, an optimist, and a humorist. These are all things that define the man that stands before you today.

Today, another definition was brought to my attention. I am dedicated. I am working hard to fight the odds and return to EMS. This is something that has been missing from EMS for a while. Don't get me wrong. We have many dedicated professionals working on our ambulances today. Yet all over the country we have a new crop of EMT's and Paramedics who have joined our profession because there are jobs here and the country is in a economic downturn. So, we have people who are viewing this as a jumping off point and instead of asking what can I do for those around me, the question has become what can you do for me? I find this disturbing, for a fledgling profession who is trying to find it's place between the world of modern medicine and the sometimes brutal world of public safety. These people who have the unique opportunity to take our careers to higher levels by applying the skills from many other careers and applying them to EMS. I have chosen to apply my dedication to EMS to proving that if you want it nothing can hold you back. I am Joe Riffe, the fiance, the son, the father, the brother, amputee and soon the Prosthetic Medic. Who are you?

New Beginnings

The surgery is complete. I am now 6 feet tall and one foot off. This first day has been much harder than I expected. The physical pain has been unrelenting and the emotional pain has been more than I expected. I knew when I laid down on the table yesterday morning that my life was changing forever. So, here I am. I look down and my leg is gone. With it though, so is the handicap that was holding me back. Yes, currently I am trapped in this hospital bed, unable to get up and take care of myself, grimacing in immense pain with the simplest of movements, but I know that pain is temporary. This was the first step, and as Bugs Bunny always said in my Saturday morning cartoons, "Watch that first step...It's a doozy!" Now, I can focus on rehabilitation and turning this impossible situation into an improbable success story.

Through out this battle I have finally understood what Gandhi meant when he said "You must be the change you want to see in the world." I have decided to embody the thought that even in losing a limb I am not handicapped. I just have to work harder and therefore I will appreciate simple things more than most. Already, I have learned how much I took for vantage getting up and moving around. This morning my occupational therapist came in and helped me sit on the side of the bed. That was her goal for the day. Just to sit and put my remaining leg on the ground. I decided once I achieved that goal I wanted to know what it felt like to stand without my leg. This is where I was humbled quickly. Not only dealing with the pain involved of having blood circulate at the bottom of that stump, but finding that I have an entirely new center of gravity. I could not gain balance on my own. It was not happening. That was terrifying. I know that I will learn how to do this, but gaining that experience today was necessary for me. I had to know what this feels like. My physician wants me to get into the recliner today, and when PT gets here I suppose that's what I'll do. I hope they bring me a walker and I can see what that feels like.

So, I have to be honest with you, I've been completely open throughout this process, so I can't stop that now. When I woke up, after the pain was controlled somewhat and I was capable of rational thought I was terrified. I decided that I had made a horrible mistake. What had I done!!! I just willingly let them take away my leg, my leg that worked somewhat, not to a point that I could work, but I could walk. Now I have nothing there. I still feel it there, and that is the cruelest part of this entire process. Waking up in the middle of the night, sweating, hurting scared to death, and feeling my foot itch, or my calf cramp, only to look down and realize that this isn't a nightmare. My leg is gone. I have made this permanent decision. Today I feel much  better about this decision. My initial panic has subsided. Sadly, the phantom pains have not, and I am relying on a dilaudid pain pump to be able to sit up and write this to you. As promised. I will be continuing my blog throughout this process. I know that I am going to endure immense pain in these coming days, but I will translate that into words to share with you. Until later...The journey to becoming the prosthetic medic has officially begun...I think I heard a starters gun when I got up this morning.

I made it.

Surgery is over. I'm in a lot of pain, so once I get to feeling a little better I will write some more. Let the journey begin and I'm still here!!!