7 days till surgery. I got an email from a person whom I have utmost respect in; he told me to remember. We don't get to choose our path in life, but we do get to choose how we respond to it. To take this and run with it so I can be an inspiration to the next person who has to go through this. This has been my goal all along. The reason I'm writing this blog. To keep a record of the emotions I have while in the midst of the chaos. It's easy to look back and say that wasn't so bad or that was harder than I thought, but to have an actual record of what I was thinking in the moment could be helpful to many others. To have that assurance that you're not the only one to have these thoughts. I can honestly say I've been on a rollersoaster of emotions. Sometimes daily. I have been low enough to think of self-assassination to the highest highs thinking that everything will be amazing post op and i could be a one-legged celebrity. Currently I am on a downturn. I just hope we can make it through this and return to doing what I Love. I suppose I am going through the stages of grief and am making my way to acceptance, with a few steps backward from here to there. I'll be completely honest with you. I am terrified. I know this has to be done. I know it's for the best and I'll be in less pain when it's over than I'm in now. But still. It's my leg, I'll wake up and no longer posess the ability to walk freely until I get my prosthetic. That is a terrifying thought. I just want this to be over. I'm ready to start my life anew but first I have been chosen to walk through this Hell. Let me be blunt. This is Hell. The pain, the fear, the unknowing of what lies ahead, this is Hell for a medic. In the back of the truck I thrive on the ability to think ahead of the curve. To anticipate what lies ahead and treat accordingly. Now I'm faced with the unknown. Who knows if I'm even still on the right road much less what happens next. I do know I will make it. I will emerge on the other side stronger than before, it takes fire to make a Phoenix I guess.
So...to those who find this in the future. Who are facing the same decision I have made or had this decision made for you, stay strong. We have too. If we quit, we continue to let the process win. We can do more than our broken bodies show. Your mind still works so use it. The credo of the medic is to improvise, adapt, and overcome. I plan on doing just that.