FEAR!

10 days till surgery. Tonight's topic is fear. Fear has two major components, there is the fear that paralyzes you. You are unable to function at all, you can't move, you can't breathe. Then there is the fear that motivates you. It forces you to adapt and overcome. I am currently in a mixture of both. I am determined to overcome. I am determined to prove that I can be just as good as I was before my fall. Then I am paralyzed thinking about if I am going to have a home to come home to. I have so many financial obligations that have to be met and I know that my wonderful fiance' is going to try her best to meet these obstacles, but it has placed so much stress and fear in us that I am at a loss. I'm honestly scared. We are facing the hardest obstacle of our lives and are meeting it head on. I have no option anymore. The surgery is scheduled. My daily pain and continued damage being done to the remnants of my knee tell me that I have to go through with this as planned. I have no way of describing the fear that I am experiencing. I am at a lost of words. I look down and look at my leg for the last time. I have so many goals ahead of me, all of which begin in 10 days. I want to marry this beautiful woman who has seen me through, I want to become the 54th paramedic in the United States to work with an above knee amputation, I want to resume being the father I was prior to the fall. Be active in my children's lives, not only my own flesh and blood, but my soon to be step son as well. I watched the surgery today. It's going to be a hospital stay of 5 days to 2 weeks. I hope to beat this fear, and just when I feel like I have it beat...

Then the fear creeps back in. I sometimes we still lived in the days when companies had a heart and understood personal tragedy and struggles and would give you the time to get back on track. Instead, we have to not only find a way to keep our home, our cars, and keep the utilities turned on, we have to also find a way to pay my insurance out of pocket. I used up all my sick time with the initial fall, and now have to find a way to make ends meet. We can't do this alone. My family and my fiance's family are going to help all they can, I am hoping that the fund raiser takes off and we raise the money to take this stress away. So, despite the fear in doing this, I am going to just ask. If you are reading this, can you help? There is a donate button at the top of the page. If you can give, please give. It doesn't have to be much, every little bit counts. Please help end this fear. Spread the word, imagine yourself in my shoes. This is a fear I pray none of you have to deal with. I will end this with saying I am going to overcome my fears. I am going to be the Prosthetic Medic, and the husband and father I want to be. Keep following along. Spread the word. You are going to watch a miraculous feet, a man overcome his obstacles to prove all his doubters wrong.