Driven

What drives you? What makes you want to get out of the bed in the morning? Have you ever really thought about it? This time I've had off has forced me to really evaluate the things in my life that are my driving force. Prior to my fall I was as self-sufficient as one could get. Yes, I've always considered myself a family man, I've put my son first as much as I can. Yet, I was driven to excel in every venture. I didn't need your help getting their either. I was as Type A personality as one person could get. I'm loud, boisterous, I've even been described as cocky from time to time. Kate and I met in an ER as friends prior to my divorce. It's there that she first encountered this cocky redneck paramedic who knew it all and wasn't afraid to stand up to a room full of residents and attendings alike, just to prove he was right. I'd like to hope that man will return, but honestly I'm not sure I can get back to that frame of mind. Medically minded, I'm sure I will. I've never been a shrinking daisy when I know I'm right. I've always taught my preceptees that you don't ask for an order, you tell the doc on the other end of the radio what you are going to do and wait for him to agree. I have no qualms standing up for myself, but I now know what it's like to be on the other end of that stretcher. I think now I will have more compassion towards my patients. That being said, Kate has told me about some of her patients who have simply infuriated me. I live vicariously through her recounting her day at work, and the occasional text to ask my opinion about a current situation on a run.

After being here, here being stuck in a medical condition in which you have to claw your way out, I know understand the importance of drive. To hear her recount the innumerable patients who have lost that drive. Some of them for lack of a move in a positive direction, and when they get one, they are so unused to the feeling they take two steps backward for fear of failing, the others because they have learned that when they utter those magical words "I can't" someone will swoop in and do it for them. I simply don't understand giving up like that.

I know what drives me, it's not my job anymore. Once, that would have been my answer. Now my answer is my family. Kate, my boys, and the rest of my family. They are my drive. They are my reason for trying every day. Yes, I'm still determined to get back to work. I still want to return to my big grey box...our ambulances are grey. I still want the rush of bent metal and patients freshly ventilated with an unknown caliber of bullet. Mostly, those medical mysteries where you are behind and fighting to get ahead. To feel the cold steel of a laryngoscope blade the symphony of a cardiac arrest in which I am the composer. Guiding each and every person on their task, hitting every note, hoping to beat back death. I really miss it....but...mostly I miss the quiet click of a camera while Kate and I are out on some back road taking pictures. The musical laughter of our boys when they get tickled at something at the zoo. The wonderful smell of Thanksgiving dinner and the warmth of family and friends. This is now my drive. These are my drives. I am driven by both. Welcome back...My knee is on the way and soon my fight begins.