Saturday, February 11, 2012
Today has been my day to rest. I pushed myself kinda hard yesterday, so today I have done absolutely nothing. I microwaved dinner, I played playstation, and I napped. I woke up with an uneasy feeling. I was kinda disappointed in myself for not accomplishing anything today. I have decided to forgive myself for this. One day of relaxation is not a failure, I'm not dooming myself by taking a day to rest...even God took one day off. I just worry so much about disappointing someone, mostly disappointing my family. I don't want to look back and say "That's the reason I didn't get to the top of the mountain." That is one of my biggest fears, being able to look back and have failures that I did nothing to correct. I'm also afraid of taking this and letting it become who I am. Right now, I have absorbed this identity while I try to find it's place inside the conglomeration that is "Joe." I don't want to let it become my identity. I've never liked being able to be sorted into a category. Reflecting today I have realized that I am letting the amputation become who I am, it has consumed me. I understand that for awhile I have to let it take it's place on the front burner, but I can still stir my other pots while it's cooking. I am blessed that some of you have donated your hard earned money to help me achieve my goals, and if I make this my primary identity then I have failed you too. To accomplish this goal I will be "The Prosthetic Medic," but more than that I want to get back to being who I was before my life changed back in May. That has been the most tragic part of this accident to me, not losing my leg, but losing who I am. I have been forced inside and my normally optimistic, upbeat personality has, at times, been crushed. That is what hurts me when I look back on the past 9 months, I have let my injury change who I am. I have lost a few battles, but I am going to win this war. I will return to who I was, who I am. I'm blessed to have a fiance' and a family that stands behind me through this and helps me realize when I am straying from the path that I need to be on. Also, they show me that sometimes I have to stop and breathe and realize how far I have came in such a relatively short period of time. I'm still scared about where I'm going. I'm scared about money and mostly about not returning to where I want to be. I can say that, reflecting on where I started, I have been fighting tooth and nail for 9 months and I don't see that stopping anytime soon.