Memories...

Had another socket fitting today. Getting close. I'm excited, just hope the prosthetic gets here quick. I'm so happy to get up and moving. Otherwise, it's been a good day with my mom and brother. Now, things are going south. I think I'm getting sick, cough and sore throat...ugh. Had a great day with them, but feel like I ran all over the town twice. I just don't have the energy I used to. I'm trying rebuild my energy, but it's just not coming back as quickly as I would like it. I'm just wore out and will be turning in soon...

I'm getting tired of hopping around. I'm tired of fighting for every movement, constantly balancing and correcting movements. I'm tired of not being able to take a walk and hold my fiance's hand. Tired of telling my children that I can't...I loathe that word...can't. It's not a word that I was allowed to use growing up, and now I have to add it to my lexicon. Not that it will be there long, or gets used that often. I just hate that I have to use it at all. I'm going to get through this, just I'm get anxious and I've never been good at waiting. That's why I fell in love with EMS in the first place. Especially in this city, it's a constant stream of 911 calls, day and night. Never a dull moment, not every run is gun shots and blood raining from the sky, but there is always a run to go on. Always moving, perfect for my ADD mind. Now, I'm stuck. I spend days trying to fill my time with various exercises, television, video games, and various errands. I just get tired of waiting that's all....I've never been good at it, and patience is a virtue I haven't gotten yet. Lord knows I've tried.

I'm ready to get back...to run with my lights on, the smell of hot antifreeze puddling on the street, the fog of airbag dust hovering in the air inside of the vehicle, the sound of glass crunching under my boots, my mind going a thousand miles an hour while my affect and movements mimic that of a man walking in the park. Needless to say...I miss it.