Thursday, March 15, 2012
Fighting a Losing Battle
More stress today. Honestly. I would love a day where I can just go through it without bordering on the edge of a mental breakdown. It's days like today that make me start to question God as to why He chose me to go down this path. I suppose he sees something inside of me that I don't because as of how I feel right now I just want to lock myself inside my home and wait for the walls to fall down. I can't really go into all the details here, simply because I don't want all my personal issues on the internet. Just suffice to say I need a break. One thing I am willing to go into details about is my current employer advising me that if I don't turn in my American's With Disabilities Act paperwork by next week I will be terminated. Past practice says that I have one year either from the date of injury or the last day worked to return to duty. I have our union researching the rules on this for me, but this is stress that I don't need right now. I have to try to force my body to be ready to get back on an ambulance by May of this year, if they don't fire me before then. I know that I am ahead of where I am expected to be, but to expect me to have a mastery of this prosthetic as well as my leg to be ready to work a 16 hour shift in two months is a feat worthy of a superhero....of which I am not. I fear that I am losing this battle and now must realize that I have set a goal that was too lofty. I'm not saying that I will never return to an ambulance, I am just realizing that I may not return to "my" ambulance. I have called this service my home for 6 years. I have given blood, sweat, and tears to this service. I know a year is a long time, but considering the lofty aspirations I have, I don't think a year is all that long. Let's look back, in a years time I have nearly died, spent a month in a hospital, 2 months with an external fixator, fought to save a leg that was destroyed, had said leg amputated, fought to get the prosthetic I need to return to work, now I'm working on getting proficient enough on the prosthetic as well as toughen my leg up enough to walk. Considering right now I can only bear about 50% of my body weight on the stump and I'm being forced to not only bear all my weight but be able to use it well enough to go the varied places a paramedic has to go is a nearly impossible task. I will continue to work hard everyday. I will keep this leg on as long as I can without doing enough damage that it sets me back. I have to find a way through this, I have been told that "oh if we have to fire you then just reapply, we'll take you back in a heartbeat," I'm just not sure I can do that. I'm not sure I can bring myself to return to a service that wouldn't recognize the effort I am placing forth to get back to them, just to have them fire me. I am paying my insurance out of pocket. I know that if I turn in this ADA paperwork then they will find another place within Metro Government for me to work. This means they can shove me behind a desk at a very reduced pay rate. Honestly, I know that this system is in place for a reason and that it is a wonderful system for those who need it. I guess I'm just bull headed and want my chance to be on an ambulance. I have made it clear that when I am ready to come back if I cannot do it I will walk away with my head held high because I have done my best. This paperwork is not my best. It's equivalent to giving up in my mind. I suppose though, I have to turn in their paperwork. When they offer to move me I can politely decline and look for another service that will give a prosthetic medic a chance. Just praying that this works out in the best interest of my family. Oh, and an update from yesterday the new socket wasn't finished cooking today, hopefully it will be tomorrow. Tomorrow has to be a better day than today...the fight continues. I may feel like I've lost a battle today but the war carries on.