Today has just not been my day. I think I have the ebb and flow of the ocean. I had a great day yesterday and today has been as bad as it was good. Just have had one of those days dealing with personal insecurities, my son was in his first fight, to make that worse he was jumped by 4 other 1st graders. I told him I will teach him to fight, but if he ever starts a fight I'll set his butt on fire. Same warning I was given as a child, I just hate I'm giving it to him about 6 years before it was given to me. I want to try to teach him that violence isn't the answer, but he needs to be able to protect himself.
Aside from that, I'm dealing with some major depression, PTSD, and self-image issues today. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin today. All I want is to be that cocky medic I was before this accident. It seems when I get on the path to being me again I get slapped back down. I never had issues with self-esteem. Despite being overweight and having a nose that in more than one occasion got me likened to Gonzo, I was me, deal with it. I'm having more trouble dealing with this one. I'm hoping being back on two legs will help me get that confidence back. After nearly a year of relying on others to do for me, when I did it mostly alone before, wears on a man. It has permiated every part of my life now. Although it did a patient assessment on crutches today, a wreck happened in front of me whole driving. That was welcomed. Just like the trauma junkie prayer, don't let anyone have to get hurt, but if they do, let me be there.
I'm just fighting the same old demons everyday, and sadly to say, today they are winning. Well, that's all for now, tomorrow is another day on the battlefield. Hopefully I'll be ready
Follow along on the adventures of an amputee Paramedic. I have now fell into activism/advocacy work for Insurance Fairness for all amputees. I occasionally do some Motivational Speaking, I'm writing a book, and of course blogging all that stuff here. Follow me through all my wins and losses in the fight to break the stereotype of what amputees are capable of. I may write about EMS, Healthcare, Amputees, or Nonsense. Follow the blog and see what today brings!
Hey Joe,
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Good & bad, you know? For what it's worth (since I know about PTSD from lying in bed the year I was 14 trying to pray for my untreated osteomyelitis) talk therapy has excellent results & I reccomend it. (You probably won't need 15 years worth!) It sounds like you have a lot of supportive relationships in your life & they'll appreciate it/benefit too. Take care, amp-bro.